Interviewer: A.S.A. Kell Inkston
Interviewee: High Overlord Chaos of Dimension #13 – various titles including Slayer of Billions, God-Murdering Tyrant King of the Mystic Realm, Deathless Black Knight of Desolation, Castle Chewer, and as he’s lovingly called around the scribery: The Mean Black Bunny
Location and Greeting: Overlord Chaos’ island castle in Pkt. Dimension #299,399,741 – gate coordinates not to be disclosed on request of Perimeter Security Minion, who approached me when I crossed over and promptly knocked me out. Interview proper takes place after I regained consciousness and explained myself to H.O. Chaos who I am and what I was there for.
It turns out Perimeter Security Minion deigned to have me thrown into a hell-dimension to get rid of me, but Chaos demanded I be spot-checked by V.I.P. Identification Minion, who quickly identified me as an Ascended Scribe. If you’re reading this: thank you, V.I.P. Identification Minion. I once heard Aigoth of the Endless Black Nails was just named so because they were overflowed with tourists and wanted to appear less popular to prospective visitors. Unfortunately, it was just as advertised; would not recommend.
That said, I was sat down in one of Chaos’ gardens, and while a delightful bunch of his minions began preparing tea accoutrements, we exchanged the initial pleasantries and began the interview:
Kell: So nice to talk to you today, High Overlord.
Chaos: Likewise, observer. I am ever pleased to be host to your kind.
Kell: It’s appreciated.
Chaos: Of course. Now ask away.
Kell: So first thing. We have readers from all over The Omniverse, and most already know about you, so I’ve been meaning to ask. Have you really killed over a billion life forms?
Chaos: I have.
Kell: Would you care to expound on that?
Chaos: Certainly: Anything that harbors a spark movement could be considered alive. Why, I’m certain you have killed at least a billion life forms?
Kell: And how’s that?
Chaos: Well, have not you ever boiled a pot of water?
Kell: …Yes, I suppose I see where you’re going with that; microscopic organisms?
Kell: I believe the readers would be expecting something a little more substantial. For instance: how many sentient life forms have you killed? Just overall.
*Chaos looks aside and rubs his chin the same moment we’re served tea*
Chaos: Ahh! Silver leaf! A fine herb for the drink, do you not agree?
It’s at this time that I make the mistake of laughing.
Kell: You tell me, Overlord.
Chaos: Oh… Oh I apologize. Of course you couldn’t enjoy yourself while on the job. I intended no insult.
Kell: None taken. Thank you for the offer, though.
Chaos: The pleasure is all mine.
Kell: So, a billion?
*Chaos takes a sip of his tea*
Chaos: I haven’t the slightest idea
Kell: Really? No idea how many people you’ve killed?
Chaos: Definitely not; I kept track up to eighteen million-so, but lost myself after I improved considerably at mass displacement magic.
Kell: I heard about that. You slit an entire army’s worth of people’s throats, all simultaneously.
*Chaos draws back in surprise*
Chaos: Did… did I?
Kell: You did.
Chaos: I feel like I would have remembered something like that.
Kell: You’re well known for your forgetfulness in The Scribery.
Chaos: Oh my… If you all know about it then I must be especially forgetful.
Kell: Indeed, but don’t worry too much. You have flashes of memories. It’s all still up there. That explains why you sometimes can kill an army and other times have trouble getting out of bed in the morning.
Chaos: I have trouble… getting out of bed?
Kell: I’m actually your assigned scribe, so I see everything you do.
*Chaos laughs. He seems pretty good-natured*
Chaos: How many individuals are you assigned to, analyst?
Kell: I’m afraid you’re the one being interviewed.
Chaos: Well, you are the certain one.
Kell: I’m willing to take that risk for my readers.
Chaos: … These readers, what do they read on?
Kell: My… my blog.
*Chaos’ grin widens and his eyes slant. Cheeky bastard.*
Chaos: Well here’s hoping an interview with me will attract a few more readers.
*Chaos leans back as he takes another sip. I’ve watched him for so long- but in person, his balance is so perfect it’s eerie.*
Chaos: So does that answer the question?
Kell: It does, thank you. Next up we have some reader questions: One of my readers asked how one becomes like you.
Chaos: Well, as I’m not a human, a mortal creature couldn’t very well hope to become like me in that they’d match me in power- but they can gain traits like mine.
Kell: What sorts of traits?
Chaos: Everlasting life, wondrous strength, a mind sharper than a razor, immense resistance to any form of duress, the ability to flee in the dark-
Kell: Excuse me.
Kell: I assume you meant to say “see in the dark”?
Chaos: Isn’t that what I said?
Kell: You said “flee”.
Chaos: Ahh… so I did. Pardon me. Yes, it can all be achieved by submitting to my servitude. It is a finer life, I can guarantee that. Far better than squirming in your mortal trench societies.
Kell: …Indeed. So you mean to say the reader in question should become one of your minions?
Chaos: Had I need for more. I regret to say unless this reader has immense magical potential then I probably won’t bother extending my being to overtake his or her will.
Kell: Wonderful. Would you say your minions are happy?
Chaos: Well you’d know that better than I would, Mister Analyst.
Kell: That’s fair enough. Next question.
Chaos: By all means.
Kell: Who do you dislike most in all your travels?
Chaos: That is a good one. I think… oh… but then again… perhaps… yes. It’s a tie.
Kell: A tie?
Chaos: Indeed. Royal Knight Order, that snowy little pest, has been a great detriment to my plans of full domination for a great while. If I’m not wrong this year would be roughly our eighty millionth anniversary .
Kell: I guarantee you it’s not that long.
*Chaos’ eyes slant and his grin lessens to a smile*
Chaos: Oh? Well, four eyes, if you’re so smart why don’t you simply tell your little pretend readers just how long the two of us have been fighting.
Kell: I’d rather you didn’t demean my mask. I’m rather sensitive about it. I’m asking simply to hear it from yourself. Plus, I’ve never actually visited you, so I figured it might be a good time.
*Chaos’ grin returns*
Chaos: Pardon me, I am glad you came, Analyst. Tis not every day one meets their angel of causality of sorts.
Kell: Never been called an angel before. I’m flattered.
Chaos: I am certain it is a refreshing change from the usual reaction you get when an individual discovers you’ve been watching them.
Kell: I’ll admit you’re one of the very first not to freak out. I appreciate that.
Chaos: Of course… Now, Order, yes, that mystic witch woman- that midgety little lass… perhaps you know of her?
Kell: I do. Actually, I’m assigned to her as well.
*Chaos scoffs as he wiggles into his chair*
Chaos: They assign males to view females in your adorable scribery?
Kell: It’s not like that.
Chaos: I’m certain.
*The bastard takes a sip of his tea while firing me an incriminating glare. Now I get why his enemies get so angry around him.*
Kell: So… Other than Order, who’s the one she’s tied with?
Chaos: Not so fast; if you’re her analyst as well, could it be that you’ve been assigned to a particular event, rather than random people of interest?
Kell: That’s none of your business.
*He draws in, cradling his tea cup in both hands.*
Chaos: Who else are you watching? I must know!
Kell: I’ll remind you that using force against an A.S.A. would be inadvisable to say the least.
*Chaos sighs and makes an animated “eye-rolling” motion. He rears off.*
Chaos: Of course, of course. Wouldn’t want to get fated into a ditch now. I have heard that Scribe Director of yours is quite the unpleasant lady. Is she the spiteful sort?
Kell: … You already know the answer to that question, actually. It’s a shame you forgot.
*Chaos lifts his head in regal, crane-like offense before relaxing into the back of his chair. Got him, the bitch.*
Chaos: Very well… now, I suppose you were wondering my tie?
Chaos: I suppose the other would be Overlord Torment, though the Multi-Soul Amalgamation has also been on my mind of late.
Kell: Right, “The Captain”.
Chaos: Oh, so you know of it as well? I assume it is also one you are assigned to.
Kell: … I’d rather not go into that.
Chaos: So it is true!
*He rears in again*
-Interviewer note: In the interest of not spoiling Nocturna League’s 6-10 episodes, I’ve decided to redact this segment of the exchange. You have my heartfelt apology, reader, but he knows way, way more than I expected about that situation. Please look forward to the upcoming episodes; I’ll start publishing my recordings of it once the other episodes get more feedback, mind you!-
Kell: So next question. “Are the British royals actually reptilians?”
Chaos: The… British…
*He perks up suddenly, his antennae pointing straight up.*
Chaos: Those tea people!
Kell: I… I suppose you could call them that. Historically speaking they actually had very little of that tea in their native biome to begin with.
Chaos: Ha! Of no matter. Yes, an empire that well-managed couldn’t possibly be done-so by the hands of useless humans. It would have to be a superior life form for them to have gone across their planet for the sole reason of collecting the most delicious forms of tea.
Kell: I believe they pursued empire for other reasons, but we can agree that the tea was an understandable motive.
Chaos: Wonderful! I did not expect you were such a tea connoisseur, analyst!
Kell: Y-yes. Tea is wonderful.
*Chaos laughs and points his finger*
Chaos: You must take me for a fool. I am well aware you’ve been guzzling coffee like a disgusting weakling!
(I had forgotten his eye-sight can discern quasi-ether mass as well as physical and magical elements. My bad.)
Kell: Well our coffee tastes way better in the World above the Pools.
*Chaos hisses. Never heard that before. Scary, and he can’t even kill me.*
Chaos: I suppose you can only get away with it, being what you are. Do record for your readers that I will not allow coffee drinkers to exist so long as I can prevent it. Tea is the beverage of refinement, and coffee— it is truly the mud of curs. Royal Knight Order adores coffee, as well as that amalgamation abomination.
Kell: Right. My apologies for not being sensitive to your tastes.
*Chaos bows his head*
Chaos: You are forgiven… I suppose.
Kell: Well thank you. Now last question: Why is Knight Love the… what the hell?
Chaos: Knight Love?
Chaos: What is it?
Kell: This last question was written by Meeo Letlind, under context of this interview!
Chaos: So, she read it before we even conducted it.
Kell: It seems that way.
*Chaos laughs. He looks relieved*
Chaos: All this time… She’s still alive.
Kell: She certainly is… around.
(I don’t have the heart to tell him, but the interview question was definitely sent long, long before now- by at least a thousand years)
Chaos: What a darling little dimensional terrorist she is. Have you met her?
Kell: No, but she’s on the list to be interviewed (in the past).
Chaos: And it’s worth saying, you can creep on Royal Knight Order as much as you please, but if you lay a hand on my Friendion there will be a reckoning that not even your little director could deal with.
Kell: Don’t be ridiculous.
Chaos: I am certain it’s lonesome up in your little tower, watching the lives of us bright and brilliant creatures. I would venture to guess that you’re jealous of the relationship the two of us have.
Kell: Just answer the question.
Chaos: I shall be watching you.
Kell: As if you were capable.
*Chaos rears in again, I’m pretty sure white flame is coming out of his jaws right now. Damn.*
Chaos: As if I cared about a peeping tom’s opinion of what I can do!
*There’s an awkward silence, and Chaos clears his throat.*
Chaos: what is her question?
Kell: She uh… She writes right here that she felt like the last question wasn’t much fun originally, and instead sent in her own question at the perfect time… How did she even get a fax machine though?
Chaos: Pardon me?
Kell: I received this one by fax… Weird. I know where she is she has electricity now, but this is-
*Chaos leans in with wide eyes*
Chaos: You know where she is?!
Kell: Well yes, I’m assigned to her as well.
Chaos: Tell me!
Kell: I apologize, you’re actually not allowed to find out at the moment.
Chaos: Why?! After Oa… She…
Kell: I know, but my readers don’t know that yet… and way more importantly- you’d trigger some pretty serious events, and I haven’t been given permission to put that into play yet. So no can do.
Chaos: I will know!
Kell: Eventually, yes. Now calm down.
*Chaos takes a moment, takes a deep breath, and leans off me back into his chair. What an overdramatic nerd.*
Chaos: Right… her question?
Kell: She wanted to ask you how you were doing. She also gives her love.
*There’s a pause as Chaos looks down to the ground, and closes his eyes. A few seconds go by, and he smiles before lifting up to talk to me.*
Chaos: I am doing just fine. Where ever you are, Friendion, I know you are doing what is best. I am… if you are reading this now. I apologize. Aoline… the young lady. I did do my best, but it was either her or Oa, my goal for so long. I had to make that choice. I hope with everything in my cold heart that you will one day forgive me. She did not deserve that, and you did not deserve what happened to you. I am overjoyed you are safe. Pl-
Kell: Uh, slow down.
*Chaos closes his eyes and takes a long sigh*
Kell: Okay, thanks. Go ahead.
(Sorry, I’m a little slow taking down responses sometimes.)
Chaos: Please visit soon. With much adoration, your overlord… That’s all.
Kell: Got it… Thank you for taking the time with me today.
*I present my hand to shake, and Chaos accepts it. His grip is deceptively-gentle for someone that tears out dragon throats for a living.*
Chaos:… But of course… I feel a weight lifted from me… Tell me, Analyst.
*We both rise from our chairs.*
Chaos: Is… will I see her again?
*I open my portal*
Kell: I’m sorry.
Chaos: I presume you cannot tell me?
Kell: You’ll see her again. (Poor guy won’t figure out the catch for a while now.)
Chaos: Very well. Good day… four eyes analyst.
*I step halfway into my portal*
Kell: No problem… Black Bunny!
At this time the interview ended with me scarcely escaping through my portal. Turns out that Chaos is quite capable at manipulating extra-ethereal portals as well. If I had pulled away a second slower he’d have taken my hand off. Not this time, bitch. Definitely not interviewing him again for a while. Need to make sure he doesn’t remember I called him a black bunny- that’d suck.
Tune in next time for another interview. I suppose Meeo will be the one to do. As always, email me your questions for her at firstname.lastname@example.org or let me know on the twitter or facebook group.