Certainly right before Kingsday,
And deep in a tower,
Thrones a mighty deadly overlord,
From who all commoners cower,
On his lap lax four little minions,
And around him sit two-dozen more,
That on this night before Kingsday,
They might hear a tale from yore.
His grin brilliant and wide,
As white as the snow outside,
He reaches for his cup of tea,
And takes a sip for serenity.
He pulls a breath of great length,
And with an equally-measured sigh,
Recalls the story of great Kingsday,
Of how King Rayda did die.
“Ahh, yes, I suppose I do recall,” he says as he jostles both Literary Interpretation Minion and Economic Strategist minions on his right leg, as pitch black and glintless as the rest of his robust frame. “This story was long, long ago when I… I believe I was King Rayda’s advisor, yes, an-”
“Ughhhhh,” A zaggy-antennaed minion groans over her overlord.
Chaos, in his oblivious grace and dark kindness, gently addresses the minion with his wide, round eyes, capable of gazing through the souls of armies. “Why, whatever’s the matter with you, Magitech Engineer Minion?” He says this with his usual grin, one that could betray either love or displeasure—only he would know.
“You weren’t working for Rayda, sir, you were-” She’s promptly shoved by her good friend and co-minion Mech-Tower Operation Channeling Minion. “Eh, I mean, I’ve heard this one before.”
Chaos looks her over with a humored squint. “That so?” He turns to the others. “You’ve heard this story as well?”
“Well,” Delta Leader Minion stretches from his spot sitting on the rug, the child-like position not flattering in the least to his intimidating frame, “It is tradition, after all, sir.”
Chaos notches his head to the side a bit. “Oh, is it?”
“Yes, my lord. Every Kingsday Eve you tell us the story about how you… acquired Rayda’s sword after the stalemate duel between himself and Apocalypse.”
Chaos’ antennae point up attentively. “Apocalypse? Now… I’m not sure who… Oh, that pretender, of course.”
There’s an array of awkward glances between the crowd of minions. “Well, my lord, it did almost destroy the planet, yes?”
The Forgetful Tyrant makes a shooing motion with his dainty tea cup before bringing in another sip. “Well sure, but planets are easy to destroy: any aspiring overlord should have at least one star-system’s worth gone by the time they make the professional scene, you know.”
The minions laugh nervously—most are sure Chaos has achieved the obliteration of at least one hundred planets, though they’re rarely ones to ask him for specifics, as he rarely remembers the specifics himself.
“Right,” Delta Leader Minion says with a sigh, “however, as your grace must understand, this is our homeworld. Most of us have never set foot on another planet, let alone entirely different dimensions like you have. You can certainly understand that we would be attached to it and rather appreciative to Rayda for his sacrifice.”
There’s a drawn out, collective “oooooh!” from the group as Chaos hums in uncertainty. “Do you mean to say you feel there should not also be a Chaosday to celebrate all the things I have brought to you?”
Delta Leader Minion doesn’t miss a beat. “But every day is Chaosday, your Destructiveness.”
The crowd of minions nod in approval at the answer, and Chaos scoffs like an appeased father. “I doubt a soul in all this tower would disagree with you… but also pressing, do you all wish to carry on with our little tradition? The old ways are warm and whole-hearted, but they are also rather… narrow in their scope of celebration.” He says this with a grin of such ferocity that even a dragon would be envious of, and the spectacle of it causes a slow coo of awe among the minions.
“Sir, what do you mean?” Agriculture Infrastructure Technology Minion asks, bouncing on her knees with her cup of black tea and milk places neatly aside.
Covert Wording and Innuendo-Expert Minion chuckles pretentiously. “You can’t tell? Typical. Our lord was obviously implying that-” Skewing his words, Poetic Justice and Emotional Instability Minion smacks him across the face.
“Shut up, dude! As if you needed to make a damn parade out of everything.” He turns to Agriculture Infrastructure Technology Minion. “What he meant to say is that Chaos wants to do something different and wonderful this Kingsday – Something none will forget!” Finally, he turns to look to Chaos himself, his towering might smiling down upon him. “Or am I wrong, my lord?”
Chaos bows his head as if honored. “You are truly at the essence of the matter, Poetic Justice and Emotional Instability Minion. That is a surprisingly stable thought from you,” he says as he takes the time to pick up each minion on his lap and place them gently on the rug with the others.
“Again sir, about my name. You did sort of ask dictionary minion to jus-”
Chaos stands tall, dwarfing the crowd. “Now… the question is what shall we do to remember this Kingsday?”
There’s a short breath of a pause, and then the gazes in the room naturally trail over to the only one drinking something cold in the tower, Devious Plan Minion. Noticing the gazes, he shifts his eyes up to the group without enthusiasm and takes one last sip of his iced tea. “Well… seeing it’s Kingsday, perhaps my liege would be pleased with a reenactment- a bit of freedom of expression for this wonderful holiday of ours.”
Human Sciences and The Arts Minion gasps in glee just as Token Communist Minion groans in bourgeoisie disgust.
Chaos’ antennae twitch in thought. “Like a play?”
“Yes, my liege. Perhaps all the people of the nearest Kingdom would be pleased to be reminded of my lord’s ability as not only a ruler, conqueror, and knower of a thousand magics, but also as a playwright of renown.”
The reaction is mixed amongst the minions, some loving the idea, while others feel the desire to speak up.
“Just a play?” Tactical Infiltration Minion asks with a look of disappointment.
“Sounds bland,” Vacation Planning Minion adds in.
“And I’m sure there won’t be any Vegan fair-trade local-bought non-GMO options served for snacks as usual,” Hipster Minion chimes in, being as on topic and relevant to the interests of the group as he always is. Just as quickly, everyone looks at Hipster Minion with poorly-veiled contempt before Chaos spares the embarrassment with his words.
“Hipster Minion, please go with Gardening Minion and have some dishes prepared with Cooking Minion’s help.”
Cooking Minion and Gardening Minion flinch in disgust. “B-but sir!” Gardening Minion squeals.
Chaos chuckles. “No ‘buts’, away with you three.”
Hipster Minion hops up after spewing a quick “Yes!” from his dark indie lungs as the diminutive Cooking Minion and lanky Gardening Minion lead him out – the things Chaos does for his subjects…
Devious Plan Minion pulls out a pen and clicks it with pad in hand. “Now then, sir. How would you like execute the plan?”
Chaos looks away from the minions in aside contemplation. His light-absorbing features squint as he muses. It will surely have to have many of the minions involved, be grandiose, and most importantly send a clear message to the human dregling masses that he is their rightful superior. However Chaos is, as usual, quite “not with it”. It is because of this notwithitatude that he formulates a very, very strange plan. He turns to one of his most treasured aides, in earshot and ready for service most times when he’s within his domain.
“Minion Acquisition Minion,” Chaos says with a professional air.
Sliding from the corner in a comfy Kingsday sweater and roster clipboard is none other than Minion Acquisition Minion—the Kingsday Spirit radiating off him with every step. “Sir!”
“Bring me Uncomfortable-Looking Bodily Contortion Minion and Geometric Shape Enthusiast Minion.”
The minion salutes with fervor and dashes deeper into the tower. In only a matter of seconds, one very athletic, shake-pounding minion and another, rather short one that looks… “loose”, are brought down to the Overlord.
“Ahh, my beloved minions, have I got a scheme for you this day.” Chaos leans in to speak to the two minions covertly.
Devious Plan Minion is not a fan that the High Overlord is being so secretive. After releasing a clear *ahem* and being ignored for a long moment, he decides to state his displeasure. “My lord, I do believe as per my station as Devious Plan Minion, that I should be let in on all of the devious plans that you might be-” He’s cut short as Geometric Shape Enthusiast Minion draws in a long, honking gasp of magical disbelief.
“GEOMETRIC SHAPES FOR KINGSDAY?!” Geometric Shape Enthusiast Minion, proudly wearing an ugly Kingsday sweater with a smiley-face polygon knitted in by a concerned-but-kind Knitting Minion, squeals in mathematical glee.
“Geometric shapes for Kingsday,” Chaos affirms.
The resulting vulture screech sounds of excitement emitting from the center of Geometric Shape Enthusiast Minion very core are something only Chaos, who loves all of his minions dearly, can appreciate. Everyone else sort of wish Chaos did not consider infesting people to create more loyal minions over at the Kanvane Estate for the Mentally-Extreme that one day.
“GEOMETRIC SHAAAAAAAAAPES! GEOMETRIC SHAAAAA-”
“Now now, my dear Geometric Shape Enthusiast Minion, there will be plenty of time for screaming during Kingsday tomorrow. Now silence yourself and get to work before I decide to make it asymmetrical.”
The Minion gasps, freezes up obediently, and nods.
“Good, now off with you two,” The Slayer of Billions adds with a light shooing motion.
The two step off, one begrudging because he’s paired up with Geometric Shape Enthusiast Minion, and the other one vibrating in excitement because he’s Geometric Shape Enthusiast Minion.
Chaos turns again to his most used and treasured help. “Now then. Bring me Illusionist Wizard Minion, Pyromaniac Minion, the entire Dramatic Music Ensample Minion Band, and by all means… bring me Cosplay Minion.”
Minion Acquisition Minion jaunts into action. “Yes, sir!” He cries before rushing off again.
Devious Plan Minion clears his throat again to be noticed, and this time, Chaos looks to him with his round, glowing, matter-piercing gaze. “My Lord. Might I be let in on this little plan of yours?”
“I am afraid there’s no need for that,” Chaos says with a grin. “I am quite confident that you’ll enjoy your role in the plan.”
Devious Plan Minion flinches amongst a cheer from the crowd. “S-sir! But, I’m only good at making plans, not executing them!”
Chaos steps forward and rests his hand upon his subject’s shoulder. “You’re one of mine—you can do absolutely anything you put your mind to. Besides, it’s Kingsday. Rayda never… uh, ‘Apocalypse,’ right?”
Everyone nods.
“Right, no one before Rayda had defeated Overlord Apocalypse, and yet he did it, didn’t he? He did something never knew he was capable of, and so can you, Devious Plan Minion.” Devious Plan Minion, silent to his master’s words, begins to sniffle under his touch. “So this Kingsday,” Chaos continues, “I’m going to see you, and a hundred other minions do things they never knew they could. That is going to be my biggest Kingsday gift to you all: the motivation to expand your abilities, your horizons, and your experiences. Tomorrow, we will be remembering Kingsday, but I shall assure you now, the people of Ragnivan will think it Minionsday with the amazing things you all will do!”
There’s a unanimous, fervent cheer. Doing something other than their jobs? Now that sounds miraculous. He lifts his hand from Devious Plan Minion amidst the wild celebration.
“Now listen up, creatures of my realm, these are the details of my plan that you all will need to know. All of you will have a part to play. We will put on a show of the likes that those inferior human meatbag worms cannot even begin to comprehend the greatness of!” With that utterance, the cheering is so loud his voice almost has to compete with the glee of his minions.
As Tea Minion delivers him a new steaming cup of Earl Grey, Chaos takes it up with a eerie, victorious grin—if he knows humans (which he doesn’t) they’re going to be absolutely blown away by what he has in store. He relays and prepares his plan for a full two hours more, all until he’s satisfied with his dastardly, demented, amazing Kingsday plan.
Coffee... WRITING!... COFFEE!! 